Written by Christian Swan, originally published on June 1, 2017
I mentioned the concept of self-care to a new mother a few weeks ago, and she just started laughing at me. Her eyes, darkened by lack of sleep, seemed to shine as she laughed and I couldn't tell if she was going to start crying or laughing louder. Does this woman sound familiar to you? Perhaps you have met this woman before, or she may even be the woman who stares at you in the mirror every morning. In the early days of motherhood, it can be difficult to separate the concept of caring for yourself versus your baby. Comparison, the thief of joy, may also sneak into your thoughts as you begin to see other mothers to "have it together" or have babies with easier temperaments. Self-care must be for those moms. Or maybe, as you compare, you begin to think that self-care is something only selfish people do. Don't these other mothers recognize that they have a child to take care of? Perhaps that should be taking priority over the self. I've heard some people refer to the early days of motherhood as "survival mode." As long as you survive that first year of motherhood, you are thriving. But what if I told you that self-care is actually an integral part of that survival? In fact, developing a good self-care practice may actually lead to true thriving instead of the feigned, half-crying, half-laughing insistence that you are doing okay. A Blow to your Expectations Before I became a mother, I would wake up every morning and have a two hour self-care ritual. I exercised for 30 minutes to an hour, cooked breakfast, made hot tea, and sat alone at the table while I enjoyed it. Pre-baby, this is how I would have defined self-care, because it was what nourished me best at the time. Becoming a mother required a shift in my expectations of what self-care would look like. There was absolutely no way this was going to happen after my baby was born (nor has it happened since), as my child seldom left my chest for the first several months of her life. The first step to creating a good self-care ritual postpartum is acknowledgement that self-care will not look the same. This may also involve a period of grief, where you take time to mourn the loss of self-care practices that worked well for you for so long. Creating New Rituals After you have taken time to grieve (and given yourself grace if this grief took longer than expected), one can begin to redefine self-care as it applies to postpartum life. Are there really ways that you can care for yourself in the first few weeks of motherhood? Yes! While self-care may not be a 2 hour morning routine, or an hour long run, or even a long evening out with girl friends, it is still possible to create meaningful rituals around self-care. Sometimes, self-care may look like mindfulness and self-compassion. As you nourish your baby, can you take time to notice the sensations in your body? Or, can you practice having compassion for yourself in the middle of the night when you feel too tired to move and the baby is crying again? Can you remind yourself that you are still a good mother if you are wishing you did not have to wake up every 2-3 hours? In my early days of motherhood, I developed my self-care rituals around our nursing schedule. Before nursing, I would notice if I had any needs first. Did I need another pillow behind my back? Did I need to have food in front of me? By creating comfort for myself before nursing, I was able to nurse my child more joyfully instead of focusing on my back pain/hunger/etc. It's possible that these recommended rituals don't resonate with you at all, but I invite you to take time today to think about what might be nourishing for you instead. You know yourself and your needs best, and I encourage you to listen to them. Remember Why Self-Care Matters It's very possible that you have read this and still do not believe self-care is necessary--that perhaps it is a luxury only afforded to some mothers. However, my hope is that all mothers will recognize how valuable self-care is, not only for your own mental health, but for your child as well! Do you remember hearing a flight attendant talk about putting an oxygen mask onto yourself before putting it on to your child? When I first heard this, I remember thinking that I would always put it on my child first. However, you can't care for your child if you are not breathing! The same concept applies regarding self-care. It is more difficult to give your child the best care he/she needs if you are not creating rituals that will help you thrive during the day. By taking time out of your day to care for yourself, you are setting yourself up for more success as an individual and as a parent. What are some ways that you can meaningfully take care of yourself during this new stage of life? If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed regarding the topic of self-care, it could be helpful to reach out to a trusted friend or a mental health professional who is trained in postpartum care. In this new and exhausting stage of life, you and your mental health do truly matter!
0 Comments
Losing loved ones is an inevitable part of living as a human. The times surrounding a loved one’s death can be the most challenging seasons in our lives. Even though loss is a universal human experience, people who are grieving often feel alone and isolated because it seems like no one understands what they are going through. Having a supportive community can provide comfort, solace and opportunities for healing. Finding a grief-oriented community can maximize healing opportunities. Grieving and healing in community is an ancient practice.Grieving and healing in community is an ancient practice. Before the rise of individual achievement focused societal structures, there were community gathering places and multigenerational homes where people knew how to hold other’s grief. Grief begins healing when it is externalized. We call this expression of grief mourning. We also know that healing happens when our suffering is witnessed and received by a compassionate party. Perhaps more than any other condition, a community of compassionate and understanding witnesses can unlock the power of healing for those who are grieving. We believe that healing in community happens by both hearing and being heard.We believe that community offers opportunities to heal by both hearing and being heard. When we resonate with the stories others are telling, we learn that we are not alone. Sometimes community members verbalize a part of our own experience we haven’t been able to speak about yet. When we are able to see ourselves in another’s story, we are bolstered by the togetherness we find in our common experiences. We also heal when we are able to share our own story in the safety of a group who will hold our experiences with tender compassion. We believe in the power of story-telling; that when we speak of our internal experiences, we are empowered to metabolize and release the pain. And when our sharing is witnessed in a caring and understanding way, we are more able to accept our painful circumstances. When the bereaved are able to give and receive in these ways, the strength of the group can carry all forward in healing. We invite all those who are navigating the grief related to the loss of a loved one to join our next Understanding Your Grief Support Group. More information can be found HERE. Losing someone we love is always a heartbreaking and emotionally difficult experience. Grief is the word we use to describe the set of emotions we have and the emotional process we experience related to that important loss. Grief can feel gentle and straightforward or it can feel extremely difficult and consuming, or any variety of this. Grief is often a very natural process of healing from a loss. Sometimes, though, we can get stuck in the healing process and need support to move forward. It might be helpful to understand the different circumstances that might cause us to get stuck.
Grief is often a completely confusing, disorienting, painful and lonely experience. There are many elements of our modern society and culture that make this experience that much more difficult and lonely. Bereavement, grief and mourning are very natural and necessary experiences, and they have the potential to be traumatic and/or transformative. One of the greatest gifts the bereaved can receive is the presence of a compassionate companion. Let’s take a closer look at what it means to offer this meaningful and healing companionship to someone who is grieving.
The most effective way to mourn after a loss is to share your thoughts and feelings (grief) with a compassionate listener (grief companion). The Grief Companion HOLDS SPACE for those who are grieving by providing a safe and empathetic presence in which the mourner can begin to explore the terrain of their inner world. HOLDING SPACE for the mourner is your contribution to their care. The grief companion does not guide the mourner, instead allows the mourner to choose the path. True expertise of grief lies with (and only with) the unique person who is grieving. More specifically, Grief Companionship is being present to another person’s pain. The Grief Companion is willing to go into the wilderness of the soul with the bereaved. This is a spiritual journey, not only an intellectual journey. The Grief Companion is committed to bear witness to the struggles of the bereaved without judgement, direction, or quick fixes. They allow the disorder and confusion that so often afflicts the bereaved. They trust that the bereaved will find their way through the jungle of emotion and joins their journey with compassionate curiosity. Central to the role of Grief Companion is the art of honoring stories. In telling the story of their love and loss, mourners:
The art of Grief Companionship involves slowing down, becoming acquainted with the mourner’s inner world, and to really listen as the mourner embraces the reality of their loss, their pain, important memories and search for meaning. Each of our Benediction therapists are equipped as compassionate Grief Companions and we would be honored to journey with you in your grief.
|
Archives
May 2024
Categories
All
|